“This game’s winner is… ZERO SUIT SAMUS!” The other smash brothers and sisters clapped and cheered at the blonde powerhouse’s might, while Wii Fit Trainer merely slow-clapped, having just lost.
In the women’s locker room, Trainer stretched her arms. She was sore from the fight, but was raring for the next one. At that moment, she could hear Princesses Peach and Zelda talking.
Peach: “That Zero Suit Samus really works that sports bra.”
Zelda: “And that pair of short-shorts! What a sweet ass.”
Peach: “Dial it back, Pretty Princess Lesbian.”
Zelda: “Sorry. I’m not gay.”
Peach: “Oh, yeah, neither am I.” (winks)
Zelda: “Er… so how about that Wii Fit Trainer?”
Peach: “Oh my, she stinks!”
Zelda: (holding her nose) “Yeah, I think the fact she doesn’t wear shoes factors into that. My nose is very sensitive. (cough cough)”
Peach: “Well, your nose is bigger than–”
Zelda: “Ex-CUSE me? Bigger than what?”
Peach: “Bigger than… a dime?”
Zelda: (smiles) “Thank you. Wanna practice kissing again?”
Wii Fit Trainer stood in the locker room, shaking. Tears streamed down her pale white cheeks.
Trainer: “I do not stink!” (sniffs armpit) “Well, I don’t smell like roses…”
???: “Do you want to be like those ladies?”
Trainer: “Who’s there? Show yourself!”
Zero Suit Samus stepped out of the shadows.
Zero: “You’re not the best fighter, but you’re far from the worst.”
Trainer: (sniffling) “Yes I am. I’m 51 on the tier list, and you’re 6th.”
Zero: “They’re just numbers. They don’t mean crap for nothing.”
Trainer: (smiling) “Really?”
Zero: “Of course. Look, if you want to live like a sweaty gym sock in both mind and body, own it. But if you want to show those princesses your inner beauty, come with me.”
Trainer: “I’m not a gym sock.”
Zero: “What was that?”
Trainer: “I’m not a gym sock!”
Trainer: “I’M NOT A STINKING GYM SOCK!”
Zero: “Now hit the showers before I teach you more!”
As the hot water made contact with her skin, Wii Fit Trainer wondered what Zero Suit Samus had in mind. She hoped she wouldn’t have to wear shoes.
Nana: “Hey, can I get some of your shampoo?”
Trainer: “No problem.”
Nana: “Thanks. Gotta keep my sheen for my man, you know?”
Trainer: “Oh yeah, how’s Popo?”
Nana: “He’s kind of mad that we’re being put at the ‘Newcomers’ table since we missed Smash 4, but he’s still my cuddly Popo!”
Trainer: (softly grinning) “I’m glad.”
Soon, Wii Fit Trainer smelled fresh.
Zero: “Put on these heels.”
Zero: “Put them on.”
Trainer: “How do you know my size?”
Zero: “Donkey Kong, the Smash Bros. tailor, knows everyone’s size. You’re the same as mine. Put them on.”
She did. They felt nice.
Trainer: “Were these yours?”
Zero: “Okay, now for the dress.”
Trainer: “What did you have in mind?”
Zero: “Navy blue. Good contrast for your pale white skin.”
Trainer: “Thank you.”
Zero: (laughs) “That wasn’t necessarily a compliment.”
Zero: “But you’re kindly welcome.”
Trainer: (blushes) “…”
Zero: “Your hair is so soft. It’s a shame to keep it in a ponytail.”
Trainer: “But you–”
Zero: “Look pretty, talk none, okay?”
At dinner that night, the Smash Bros. and Sis. dined on roast chicken with a paired wine.
Zero Suit Samus looked at her watch. Almost time…
Wii Fit Trainer waltzed out with her hair down, a gorgeous navy blue gown, and matching heels. She wore golden earrings with diamonds and ruby red lipstick.
Mario said, “Mama Mia!” Luigi said, “Wowowowow!” Donkey Kong’s eyeballs popped out. Bowser roared. The duck from Duck Hunt quacked. The dog from Duck Hunt woofed. Pit’s wings stretched out widely. Link covered himself with his sword. Kirby ate more chicken and turned into one. Popo yawned. Nana yelled, “You go, girl!” Snake leered. Pikachu sparked a little. Male Wii Fit Trainer flexed. Cloud covered himself with a toothpick. Olimar danced. Captain Falcon screamed, “Falcon Beauty Queen!” Zelda glared. Peach blushed.
Zero: “I think you did it, kid.”
Trainer: “It’s all thanks to you.”
Zero: “No no, you earned it.”
Bayonetta squeezed Wii Fit Trainer’s ass.
Bayonetta: “It’s not sexual harassment if a woman does it to a woman.”
Zero: “It totally is, pervert!”
Bayonetta: “I don’t see Phoenix Wright here, so you can’t exactly sue.”
Trainer: “I don’t see Waluigi here either, yet someone’s being a giant creep.”
Bayonetta grumbled and walked over next to Peach.
Zero: “Nice one! You don’t need me anymore.”
Trainer: “No, wait!” (pause) “This was fun, but it’s not me. I’m a rough and tumble gal, not a princess. I’m going back to normal.”
Zero: “I’m proud of you, kid. It takes some people a lifetime to be true to themselves.”
Trainer: “Yeah. And I don’t like having my butt touched.”
Zero: “Mm-hm, I’ve been there.”