Training of the Trainer

Training of the Trainer

“This game’s winner is… ZERO SUIT SAMUS!” The other smash brothers and sisters clapped and cheered at the blonde powerhouse’s might, while Wii Fit Trainer merely slow-clapped, having just lost.

In the women’s locker room, Trainer stretched her arms. She was sore from the fight, but was raring for the next one. At that moment, she could hear Princesses Peach and Zelda talking.

Peach: “That Zero Suit Samus really works that sports bra.”

Zelda: “And that pair of short-shorts! What a sweet ass.”

Peach: “Dial it back, Pretty Princess Lesbian.”

Zelda: “Sorry. I’m not gay.”

Peach: “Oh, yeah, neither am I.” (winks)

Zelda: “Er… so how about that Wii Fit Trainer?”

Peach: “Oh my, she stinks!”

Zelda: (holding her nose) “Yeah, I think the fact she doesn’t wear shoes factors into that. My nose is very sensitive. (cough cough)”

Peach: “Well, your nose is bigger than–”

Zelda: “Ex-CUSE me? Bigger than what?”

Peach: “Bigger than… a dime?”

Zelda: (smiles) “Thank you. Wanna practice kissing again?”

Peach: “Yes!”

Wii Fit Trainer stood in the locker room, shaking. Tears streamed down her pale white cheeks.

Trainer: “I do not stink!” (sniffs armpit) “Well, I don’t smell like roses…”

???: “Do you want to be like those ladies?”

Trainer: “Who’s there? Show yourself!”

Zero Suit Samus stepped out of the shadows.

Zero: “You’re not the best fighter, but you’re far from the worst.”

Trainer: (sniffling) “Yes I am. I’m 51 on the tier list, and you’re 6th.”

Zero: “They’re just numbers. They don’t mean crap for nothing.”

Trainer: (smiling) “Really?”

Zero: “Of course. Look, if you want to live like a sweaty gym sock in both mind and body, own it. But if you want to show those princesses your inner beauty, come with me.”

Trainer: “I’m not a gym sock.”

Zero: “What was that?”

Trainer: “I’m not a gym sock!”

Zero: “LOUDER!”

Trainer: “I’M NOT A STINKING GYM SOCK!”

Zero: “Now hit the showers before I teach you more!”

As the hot water made contact with her skin, Wii Fit Trainer wondered what Zero Suit Samus had in mind. She hoped she wouldn’t have to wear shoes.

Nana: “Hey, can I get some of your shampoo?”

Trainer: “No problem.”

Nana: “Thanks. Gotta keep my sheen for my man, you know?”

Trainer: “Oh yeah, how’s Popo?”

Nana: “He’s kind of mad that we’re being put at the ‘Newcomers’ table since we missed Smash 4, but he’s still my cuddly Popo!”

Trainer: (softly grinning) “I’m glad.”

Soon, Wii Fit Trainer smelled fresh.

Zero: “Put on these heels.”

Trainer: “B-but…”

Zero: “Put them on.”

Trainer: “How do you know my size?”

Zero: “Donkey Kong, the Smash Bros. tailor, knows everyone’s size. You’re the same as mine. Put them on.”

She did. They felt nice.

Trainer: “Were these yours?”

Zero: “Okay, now for the dress.”

Trainer: “What did you have in mind?”

Zero: “Navy blue. Good contrast for your pale white skin.”

Trainer: “Thank you.”

Zero: (laughs) “That wasn’t necessarily a compliment.”

Trainer: “O-oh…”

Zero: “But you’re kindly welcome.”

Trainer: (blushes) “…”

Zero: “Your hair is so soft. It’s a shame to keep it in a ponytail.”

Trainer: “But you–”

Zero: “Look pretty, talk none, okay?”

At dinner that night, the Smash Bros. and Sis. dined on roast chicken with a paired wine.

Zero Suit Samus looked at her watch. Almost time…

Wii Fit Trainer waltzed out with her hair down, a gorgeous navy blue gown, and matching heels. She wore golden earrings with diamonds and ruby red lipstick.

Mario said, “Mama Mia!” Luigi said, “Wowowowow!” Donkey Kong’s eyeballs popped out. Bowser roared. The duck from Duck Hunt quacked. The dog from Duck Hunt woofed. Pit’s wings stretched out widely. Link covered himself with his sword. Kirby ate more chicken and turned into one. Popo yawned. Nana yelled, “You go, girl!” Snake leered. Pikachu sparked a little. Male Wii Fit Trainer flexed. Cloud covered himself with a toothpick. Olimar danced. Captain Falcon screamed, “Falcon Beauty Queen!” Zelda glared. Peach blushed.

Zero: “I think you did it, kid.”

Trainer: “It’s all thanks to you.”

Zero: “No no, you earned it.”

Bayonetta squeezed Wii Fit Trainer’s ass.

Bayonetta: “It’s not sexual harassment if a woman does it to a woman.”

Zero: “It totally is, pervert!”

Bayonetta: “I don’t see Phoenix Wright here, so you can’t exactly sue.”

Trainer: “I don’t see Waluigi here either, yet someone’s being a giant creep.”

Bayonetta grumbled and walked over next to Peach.

Zero: “Nice one! You don’t need me anymore.”

Trainer: “No, wait!” (pause) “This was fun, but it’s not me. I’m a rough and tumble gal, not a princess. I’m going back to normal.”

Zero: “I’m proud of you, kid. It takes some people a lifetime to be true to themselves.”

Trainer: “Yeah. And I don’t like having my butt touched.”

Zero: “Mm-hm, I’ve been there.”

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Pokemon Pikachu Comes To Life But Only Eats Eggs

pokemon pikachu comes to life but only eats eggs

He was curled up at her feet for the tenth week in a row. He was, in his purest essence, the only companion she seemed to have. Cara Mia Weiss wanted to date someone, but her sole male friend was scaring them off. It was always, “AHHHHH! What is that thing?!” or “Hey, an old Pokemon Pikachu! But, AHHHHH! That is holy unnatural, ma’am!”

It was out of its yellow plastic prison after 19 years trapped in there. She named it Stevie, not that it would have noticed. No, nothing fazed the Pikachu.

The thing was, Stevie liked eggs. The first food Stevie ate after being shocked by lightning and coming to life was an egg. He liked it so much that it was the only thing he ate, from the time he woke to the time he passed out after another egg bender.

Nothing fazed the Pikachu. Cara Mia wasn’t sure if he knew her name.

His blocky blueish-black body made a beeline for the fridge. Half of it was filled with eggs. Stevie cracked open an egg. Then another. Then another. Then he ate the shells. Then he swallowed the eggs raw.

Where did it all go? He was thin as a sheet of paper and never gained any weight. “Pikachub.” She smirked at her little nickname. She needed a date.

Cara Mia went to work, ignoring the befuddled glances and general sexual harassment. Stevie followed her to work yet again, chomping on a hard-boiled egg. His bag was filled with egg varieties, including soft-boiled, scrambled, and over-easy. He even had an omelette.

She tried at one point to introduce him to other foods, but the rat decided that the first thing it ate was the only one worth eating. She didn’t argue at the time. Cara Mia was so happy to have her beloved Stevie alive, she didn’t consider that it could end up driving her mad.

She missed the days she wore Stevie around her neck, taking him everywhere instead of him following her. Why was he following her everywhere? She played with her dark locks for a while, eventually giving up trying to figure out the answer.

“Pika Pika Pika Chuuuuuu?”

The Pokespeak was enough to make her tear her dark locks out. Like Ash Ketchum, she got the gist of what he was saying, but hearing those three syllables was aggravating.

She spotted a pixelated puddle on the floor near her desk. Not on the freaking carpet, she lamented. Stevie, when you gotta go…

This was a feature she was glad didn’t exist in the game. And besides, his urine was just two-dimensional squares. They were sticky, but at least they were tidy. She stepped in it.

“Stevie, that’s the final straw. No, I’m out of straws. I can’t, I just can’t…”

The little monstrosity pulled out an omelette. He swallowed the whole thing in one gulp.

“Pi.”

“Yes, I know, you peed. Please, be more careful.”

“Kapichupichuka.”

“I don’t have any eggs for you.”

The Pikachu swiped a pen from her desk. It jotted something down. A phone number.

“Whose number is this?”

“Pika.” It pointed to a handsome young accountant, George Hankley.

“Nice.” She bobbed her head in arousal. “You did this for me? Stevie, I don’t know know what to say.” She wiped away a little tear.

“Ik.”

“Huh?”

“IK!”

“Oh, ik is egg! What’s ‘I need the restroom, Cara Mia?'”

Stevie went back to eating eggs.

At dinner that night, Stevie followed the couple to dinner with a handful of eggs.  They all had a wonderful evening, but there was no second date. Cara Mia fell into a washing machine and ended up in a magical fantasy world with no bird eggs whatsoever.

Stevie ended up starring in his own movie, The Pikachu That Eats A Boatload Of Eggs Movie. It featured Ryan Reynolds.

Red Flagman’s Rally (CREEPYPASTA!!! [not really])

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I heard this story from a friend of a friend of a friend, who was the first friend mentioned in this sequence. That’s how you know it’s true!!

A gamer by the name of MRgaming1019 wanted to play a new kind of game, but everyone was already playing the games he wanted to review for his reviewer man show, The Steven Dackowski Plays Games Show, even though I said his name was MRgaming1019 and not Steven Dackowski.

So he went to a very bad part of town to find a mysterious video game to play for his show. But the only games they had were Undertale for the Nintendo 64 and an old PC game called “Red Flagman’s Rally.” Since MRgaming1019 didn’t own a console, he bought the second thing.

It was 14.95, plus TAX!

The box had an image of a bleeding green flag, and also it was smiling. Whaaaat? That was my reaction, since this was from the 1990’s days.

The flag was being held by a man in sad gray clothing. Overalls made of denim or something drab, right? His face was made of teeth.

“This looks like a normal game, yes?” He put in the game.

Before it closed all the way, it got stuck. He couldn’t play the game if the CD got stuck in the computer! How would he face the day, knowing this haunted game clogged up the disc tray? His two fans would be so disappointed!

But it wasn’t a disc. It was a piece of toast?

He found a crusty yellow note in the game box. It read:

“-It’s been 25 years. Nora’s not waking up.

-Dammit, she’s our daughter! I’d pay 25 more years of hospital bills if it meant seeing her awake!

-I’m pulling the plug.

-NO! So help me God, I’ll divorce you if you kill her!”

Right. He wasn’t a 37-year old man from Virginia. He was a 37-year old woman in a coma for 25 years from Virginia.

Damn. Better wake up.


“How do you feel, Nora?”

Nora’s voice was hoarse, her words turning crustier with each syllable.

“I don’t know if I can feel. I lost 25 years of my life thinking I was a terrible video game reviewer.”

It must be some loopiness from being out for so long, thought her mother.

“All I remember was failing to do a sweet back-flip on my skateboard… There was a guy trying to stop me… he was holding something and waved it at me…”

“Try to rest, dear.” Although her mother worried that she’d slip back into sleep, it had been a long afternoon of doctors, relatives, friends, offspring of pets, and a childhood pal who had visited Nora everyday, often mentioning how “beautiful in lifeless tranquility” Nora had appeared to her.

Nora tried to sleep, but the tears made it hard. Could she ever be normal? She lost so much of her life because of one dumb mistake. Her hands bothered her to look at. They weren’t her hands. Nothing was hers. She didn’t want any of it.

From the view out her window, Nora appreciated the sad fog climbing across the hills. Far beyond the outskirts of the concrete wilderness, Nora spotted a flagman with a green flag, rapidly waving off some kids playing with fireworks.

“Damn,” Nora muttered. “My two fans are going to be so disappointed.”


OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, snap! Isn’t it weird how our fantasy universes can occasionally overpower our realities and we lose sight of real life? I mean, Ka-POW!

Anyway, like, comment, and subscribe for more things! PUH-EECE!