Flight At The Stool Store

Flight At The Stool Store

The commercial began.

Reggie: “At Stool Pigeon’s, we’ve got the right stool for all your stool needs.” He pulls out a chart. “Here are some modern stools that we stock.”


Reggie: “My favorite is number eight. Now here are some classic stools that–”

Nick: “Hey, forget that boring stuff!”

Reggie: “It’s not boring. It’s our work.”

Nick: “Our prices are so low, it’ll make you wanna SOAR!”

Reggie: “Oh no.”

Nick begins to levitate. He takes flight. He soars above the stools.

Nick: “I and my three coworkers got shocked by a radioactive toaster, so now we can FLYYYYYY!”

Reggie: “Two coworkers. I don’t fly.”

James: “Oh, come on! Just fly like us!”

Reggie: “This won’t sell stools. Get back to the commercial.”

Mariko: “Hey, viewers! Come down to Stool Pigeon’s, and try to convince Reggie to fly! While you’re at it, buy a stool!”

Nick: “Very nice.”

James: “Professional!”

James, Nick and Mariko soar in the air, knocking into some stools on the second floor.

Reggie: “This won’t sell stools. It won’t. You’re ridiculous.”

Mariko: “Reggie is a very serious sort.”

James: “He thinks the air is for stool storage space.”

Mariko: “He smokes.”

Nick: “He’s embarrassed to fly.”

Reggie: “I am. I think flight is for birds, bats and bugs.”

Nick: “Buy our stools at Stool Pigeon today!”

The commercial spot ended.

Mariko: “You were right, Reggie. That was awful.”

James: “It sucked.”

Nick: “It was a real piece of crap!”

Reggie: “That’s why I’m the boss. Now let’s get a professional to make a new one.”

The next day, a commercial producer came.

Producer: “So I saw your self-made commercial.”

Reggie: “Yes, and we’d like an improvement.”

Producer: “Here’s my idea: Keep the flight.”

Reggie: “Excuse me?”

Producer: “Make it a gag. I see it like this: Your employees flit down, levitating above the ground. They ask, ‘We can’t get grounded? How do we stop floating?’ Then you flit down and sit on a stool. Each employee sits on a stool.”

James: “Genius!”

Mariko: “Magnificent!”

Nick: “Do it, boss!”

Reggie: “I don’t want…” He pauses. “Well… if it gets my employees to stop flying for a minute. I’ll fly too. But only downwards!”

Everyone cheers.

The new commercial plays. Everyone applauds the changes.

Reggie: “I wonder if we’ll get business like this.”

Mariko: “We’ll see soon.”

Later that week, Stool Pigeon is packed.

Customer A: “Hey, how did you do that flying special effect?”

Customer B: “Yeah, that was real clever! That convinced me to buy a stool here, and I already own six!”

James: “Uh… trade secret of video editing.”

Nick: “Yeah, same guys who did the Fatboy Slim video.”

Mariko: “I am also saying it’s Fatboy Slim video editing.”

Reggie: “Back to work, people.”

At that moment, Reggie hears a shuffling on the second floor. A big wooden modern stool is falling.

Reggie: “Watch out!”

He flies up, catches the stool, and puts it in its proper place.

Everyone has their cell phones out, recording, filming. Reggie stands firmly.

Reggie: “Fine, the flight was real. Does it really make you want to buy a stool?”

Mariko, James, Nick: “Boss?”

Reggie: “I don’t need fancy special effects or real flight. If you need a stool, buy one. If you’re just here for the commercial, don’t. I’m not here for your entertainment. You don’t really want to mess with me tonight.”

Mariko: “Pink fan?”

James: “Closeted.”

Nick: “HA!”

Reggie: “So buy something or leave.”

No one left. Everyone was hoping another stool would fall.

Reggie would have his hands full from the commercial for another two years until they replaced it with a tamer, flight-free commercial.


Training of the Trainer

Training of the Trainer

“This game’s winner is… ZERO SUIT SAMUS!” The other smash brothers and sisters clapped and cheered at the blonde powerhouse’s might, while Wii Fit Trainer merely slow-clapped, having just lost.

In the women’s locker room, Trainer stretched her arms. She was sore from the fight, but was raring for the next one. At that moment, she could hear Princesses Peach and Zelda talking.

Peach: “That Zero Suit Samus really works that sports bra.”

Zelda: “And that pair of short-shorts! What a sweet ass.”

Peach: “Dial it back, Pretty Princess Lesbian.”

Zelda: “Sorry. I’m not gay.”

Peach: “Oh, yeah, neither am I.” (winks)

Zelda: “Er… so how about that Wii Fit Trainer?”

Peach: “Oh my, she stinks!”

Zelda: (holding her nose) “Yeah, I think the fact she doesn’t wear shoes factors into that. My nose is very sensitive. (cough cough)”

Peach: “Well, your nose is bigger than–”

Zelda: “Ex-CUSE me? Bigger than what?”

Peach: “Bigger than… a dime?”

Zelda: (smiles) “Thank you. Wanna practice kissing again?”

Peach: “Yes!”

Wii Fit Trainer stood in the locker room, shaking. Tears streamed down her pale white cheeks.

Trainer: “I do not stink!” (sniffs armpit) “Well, I don’t smell like roses…”

???: “Do you want to be like those ladies?”

Trainer: “Who’s there? Show yourself!”

Zero Suit Samus stepped out of the shadows.

Zero: “You’re not the best fighter, but you’re far from the worst.”

Trainer: (sniffling) “Yes I am. I’m 51 on the tier list, and you’re 6th.”

Zero: “They’re just numbers. They don’t mean crap for nothing.”

Trainer: (smiling) “Really?”

Zero: “Of course. Look, if you want to live like a sweaty gym sock in both mind and body, own it. But if you want to show those princesses your inner beauty, come with me.”

Trainer: “I’m not a gym sock.”

Zero: “What was that?”

Trainer: “I’m not a gym sock!”

Zero: “LOUDER!”


Zero: “Now hit the showers before I teach you more!”

As the hot water made contact with her skin, Wii Fit Trainer wondered what Zero Suit Samus had in mind. She hoped she wouldn’t have to wear shoes.

Nana: “Hey, can I get some of your shampoo?”

Trainer: “No problem.”

Nana: “Thanks. Gotta keep my sheen for my man, you know?”

Trainer: “Oh yeah, how’s Popo?”

Nana: “He’s kind of mad that we’re being put at the ‘Newcomers’ table since we missed Smash 4, but he’s still my cuddly Popo!”

Trainer: (softly grinning) “I’m glad.”

Soon, Wii Fit Trainer smelled fresh.

Zero: “Put on these heels.”

Trainer: “B-but…”

Zero: “Put them on.”

Trainer: “How do you know my size?”

Zero: “Donkey Kong, the Smash Bros. tailor, knows everyone’s size. You’re the same as mine. Put them on.”

She did. They felt nice.

Trainer: “Were these yours?”

Zero: “Okay, now for the dress.”

Trainer: “What did you have in mind?”

Zero: “Navy blue. Good contrast for your pale white skin.”

Trainer: “Thank you.”

Zero: (laughs) “That wasn’t necessarily a compliment.”

Trainer: “O-oh…”

Zero: “But you’re kindly welcome.”

Trainer: (blushes) “…”

Zero: “Your hair is so soft. It’s a shame to keep it in a ponytail.”

Trainer: “But you–”

Zero: “Look pretty, talk none, okay?”

At dinner that night, the Smash Bros. and Sis. dined on roast chicken with a paired wine.

Zero Suit Samus looked at her watch. Almost time…

Wii Fit Trainer waltzed out with her hair down, a gorgeous navy blue gown, and matching heels. She wore golden earrings with diamonds and ruby red lipstick.

Mario said, “Mama Mia!” Luigi said, “Wowowowow!” Donkey Kong’s eyeballs popped out. Bowser roared. The duck from Duck Hunt quacked. The dog from Duck Hunt woofed. Pit’s wings stretched out widely. Link covered himself with his sword. Kirby ate more chicken and turned into one. Popo yawned. Nana yelled, “You go, girl!” Snake leered. Pikachu sparked a little. Male Wii Fit Trainer flexed. Cloud covered himself with a toothpick. Olimar danced. Captain Falcon screamed, “Falcon Beauty Queen!” Zelda glared. Peach blushed.

Zero: “I think you did it, kid.”

Trainer: “It’s all thanks to you.”

Zero: “No no, you earned it.”

Bayonetta squeezed Wii Fit Trainer’s ass.

Bayonetta: “It’s not sexual harassment if a woman does it to a woman.”

Zero: “It totally is, pervert!”

Bayonetta: “I don’t see Phoenix Wright here, so you can’t exactly sue.”

Trainer: “I don’t see Waluigi here either, yet someone’s being a giant creep.”

Bayonetta grumbled and walked over next to Peach.

Zero: “Nice one! You don’t need me anymore.”

Trainer: “No, wait!” (pause) “This was fun, but it’s not me. I’m a rough and tumble gal, not a princess. I’m going back to normal.”

Zero: “I’m proud of you, kid. It takes some people a lifetime to be true to themselves.”

Trainer: “Yeah. And I don’t like having my butt touched.”

Zero: “Mm-hm, I’ve been there.”

Paget Brewster Complains That I Wrote Her As A Hydra

Paget Brewster Complains That I Wrote Her As A Hydra

This story is a follow-up to Sourswirls. It is recommended you read that story first to make sense of this one, though “sense” is very loose here.

I was surprised that a B-list celebrity such as Paget Brewster wanted to discuss my stupid blog story with her. It was silly to think she would have read it, but she did. I had sort of a crush on her, after abandoning my old one on Kristen “Buzzcut” Stewart. Then I thought she’d be mad about it. Her? Mad? It was mad to think that way.

I knocked on the door, accidentally opening it.

Paget: “It’s open, come on in!”

Me: “Ah yes, Ms. Brewster. I brought a gift.”

Paget: “Wine! You shouldn’t have. Drink with me.”

Me: “I don’t drink alcohol, Ms. Brewster.”

Paget: “Enough of the ‘Ms. Brewster’ crap! Call me ‘The Hydra.'”

(long pause)

Me: “Okay, The Hydra.”

Paget: “Because you like hydras, dontcha? All those heads and bad tempers. What is wrong with you?”

Me: (sweating) “Excuse me?”

Paget: “You think because I’m a celebrity I don’t have feelings? How do you think all those stock models feel being turned into weird art for your stories, Mr. Raccoon-Turd? How do you think Uma Thurman feels?”

Me: “Uma Thurman doesn’t have feelings.”

Paget: (laughs viciously) “You’re alright, kiddo. Wanna ask me only one question about my career? Maybe Criminal Minds?”

Me: “No, Community.”

Paget: “Gotta be honest, I don’t want to recall that show.”

Me: “Then forget my question.”

(awkward pause)

Me: “Wait, okay. Do you prefer voice acting or acting?”

Paget: (takes a sip) “Work is work.”

(longer awkward pause)

Paget: “So why choose me? And why a hydra?”

Me: “You’re my new Kristen Stewart, my muse, so to speak. You seem like a lot of fun, and I never meant to insult you.”

Paget: (indignant) “I’m fun? So I’m easy, is that it? Hmph!”

Me: “You see? You’re not easy. You’re horribly complex. It scares me.”

Paget: “Know what scares me? Some creep on the internet writing a story about you as a hydra. Hydras are way overpowered!”

Me: “And that doesn’t resonate with you?”

Paget: “Oh, shut up. Your wine isn’t even good. It shows that you don’t drink, Rack-On-Tour.”

Me: “I’m sorry. For the record, that insult wasn’t even good.”

Paget: “Why not just stick to dragons? They can be elegant!”

Me: “Name one elegant dragon.”

Paget: “…Probably a Pokemon. You’d know, ‘Mr. I Write Two Pokemon Stories!'”

Me: “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Paget: “Sadly, your better stuff uses real people and Japanese stuff! What is that?”

Me: (crying) “I want to leave now.”

Paget: “Look at this hydra photo! I’m a freak to you! A toy! I’m a damn woman, not a source of humor for your pleasure! Mr. Rock-On-Turn!”

Me: (sobbing) “That’s the worst one yet!”

Paget: “And so are you! Get out of my house! And take your wine with you! It’s not fit to wax my shoes with!”

As I left the Brewster estate, I wondered if Kristen Stewart would have been so mean. Probably. She hates everything.

But it made me think about celebrity worship and how we idolize those we don’t even really know. Does Uma Thurman have feelings? Was it worth dismissing someone over a haircut? One thing was certain: Paget’s cruelty made me want her more.

She was right. I am a creep.

Meowth, That’s Right!


[Jessie, James, and Meowth are in their hot-air balloon. In Meowth’s paws is Pikachu, struggling to be free. James and Jessie are doing a little jig.]

Jessie and James

(singing) We caught Pikachu! We caught Pikachu!


Meowth! That’s right! And da boss is gonna give us dat huge promotion!


(struggling) Pi! Pika pi chu!


It’s no use, little Pikachu! Now that we have you, Team Rocket will rule the world!


(sadly) Pika…


You know, now that we have Pikachu…


An’ we do!


Right, but how is Pikachu supposed to help Team Rocket?


I don’t understand.


Well, think about it… what’s so special about the twerp’s Pikachu?


You know, I don’t remember.


Right! And I bet the boss won’t remember either!


Well I do! Dat Pikachu is good against Ground-type Pokemon!


Oh, right.


But so what if it is? James is right. How will a Pikachu good against Ground Pokemon help us?


Are you forgettin’ dat da boss is a Ground-type specialist? Dat Pikachu will help him test his Pokemon’s weaknesses!


Yeah, for like, five minutes.


All of his Pokemon can cause Earthquakes. I doubt little Pikachu can stand up against that.


Right, dere’s dat.



So what now?


Maybe… maybe we should just give it back to the twerp.


(happily) Pi pika!


We can’t turn our back on da boss!


(sadly) Pika…


If the boss is going to destroy this Pikachu just for battle…


You’re too soft, James.


Well, I’m sorry, but I feel like we’ve gotten to know Pikachu over the years!


I don’t feel none too good about it, neither.


Oh, Meowth.


Look, dere’s a forest down dere dat has loads of Pikachu. Why not just give da boss one of dem?


And we return Pikachu to the twerp?


And we still get the promotion.


Everybody wins!


Meowth, that’s right!

Sailor Moon Preview Blurb


This is a parody of those TV spots where Sailor Moon (and later Mini-Moon) talks about the upcoming episode. You’ve been warned.

Use this as a guideline for what the context is.


Serena: “Today, Darien eats some noodles!”

Rini: “Whoa! Is there a monster in the noodles?”

Serena: “No, it’s just noodles!”

Rini: “Is there a waitress at a noodle place he visits under attack?”

Serena: “No, it’s just Darien eating noodles. No scary stuff.”

Rini: “Oh. Well, does he eat a lot–”

Serena: “It’s purely 20 minutes of Darien in his civilian clothing eating a normal bowl of noodles.”

Rini: “Well then, I think I’ll change the channel!”

Serena: “Sure, go ahead! The only other programs on are celebrity golf and Dragon Ball Z!”

Rini: “Dragon Ball Z?!”

Serena: “The episodes without Goku.”

Rini: “Who’s golfing?”

Serena: “Tiger Woods.”

Rini: “But he’s famous for golfing!”

Serena: “I know, right?”

Rini: “Who’s he playing?”

Serena: “Someone else famous for golf.”

Rini: “And this is on every channel?!”

Serena: “That or shows of equivalent boredom!”

Rini: “Gosh, the grown-up world sure is tough.”

Serena: “You bet! In the name of the moon, here’s 20 Darien-eating-noodles minutes!”

(Theme music plays, followed by Darien eating noodles for 20 minutes.)