Paget Brewster Complains That I Wrote Her As A Hydra

Paget Brewster Complains That I Wrote Her As A Hydra

This story is a follow-up to Sourswirls. It is recommended you read that story first to make sense of this one, though “sense” is very loose here.

I was surprised that a B-list celebrity such as Paget Brewster wanted to discuss my stupid blog story with her. It was silly to think she would have read it, but she did. I had sort of a crush on her, after abandoning my old one on Kristen “Buzzcut” Stewart. Then I thought she’d be mad about it. Her? Mad? It was mad to think that way.

I knocked on the door, accidentally opening it.

Paget: “It’s open, come on in!”

Me: “Ah yes, Ms. Brewster. I brought a gift.”

Paget: “Wine! You shouldn’t have. Drink with me.”

Me: “I don’t drink alcohol, Ms. Brewster.”

Paget: “Enough of the ‘Ms. Brewster’ crap! Call me ‘The Hydra.'”

(long pause)

Me: “Okay, The Hydra.”

Paget: “Because you like hydras, dontcha? All those heads and bad tempers. What is wrong with you?”

Me: (sweating) “Excuse me?”

Paget: “You think because I’m a celebrity I don’t have feelings? How do you think all those stock models feel being turned into weird art for your stories, Mr. Raccoon-Turd? How do you think Uma Thurman feels?”

Me: “Uma Thurman doesn’t have feelings.”

Paget: (laughs viciously) “You’re alright, kiddo. Wanna ask me only one question about my career? Maybe Criminal Minds?”

Me: “No, Community.”

Paget: “Gotta be honest, I don’t want to recall that show.”

Me: “Then forget my question.”

(awkward pause)

Me: “Wait, okay. Do you prefer voice acting or acting?”

Paget: (takes a sip) “Work is work.”

(longer awkward pause)

Paget: “So why choose me? And why a hydra?”

Me: “You’re my new Kristen Stewart, my muse, so to speak. You seem like a lot of fun, and I never meant to insult you.”

Paget: (indignant) “I’m fun? So I’m easy, is that it? Hmph!”

Me: “You see? You’re not easy. You’re horribly complex. It scares me.”

Paget: “Know what scares me? Some creep on the internet writing a story about you as a hydra. Hydras are way overpowered!”

Me: “And that doesn’t resonate with you?”

Paget: “Oh, shut up. Your wine isn’t even good. It shows that you don’t drink, Rack-On-Tour.”

Me: “I’m sorry. For the record, that insult wasn’t even good.”

Paget: “Why not just stick to dragons? They can be elegant!”

Me: “Name one elegant dragon.”

Paget: “…Probably a Pokemon. You’d know, ‘Mr. I Write Two Pokemon Stories!'”

Me: “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Paget: “Sadly, your better stuff uses real people and Japanese stuff! What is that?”

Me: (crying) “I want to leave now.”

Paget: “Look at this hydra photo! I’m a freak to you! A toy! I’m a damn woman, not a source of humor for your pleasure! Mr. Rock-On-Turn!”

Me: (sobbing) “That’s the worst one yet!”

Paget: “And so are you! Get out of my house! And take your wine with you! It’s not fit to wax my shoes with!”

As I left the Brewster estate, I wondered if Kristen Stewart would have been so mean. Probably. She hates everything.

But it made me think about celebrity worship and how we idolize those we don’t even really know. Does Uma Thurman have feelings? Was it worth dismissing someone over a haircut? One thing was certain: Paget’s cruelty made me want her more.

She was right. I am a creep.

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Meowth, That’s Right!

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[Jessie, James, and Meowth are in their hot-air balloon. In Meowth’s paws is Pikachu, struggling to be free. James and Jessie are doing a little jig.]

Jessie and James

(singing) We caught Pikachu! We caught Pikachu!

Meowth

Meowth! That’s right! And da boss is gonna give us dat huge promotion!

Pikachu

(struggling) Pi! Pika pi chu!

Jessie

It’s no use, little Pikachu! Now that we have you, Team Rocket will rule the world!

Pikachu

(sadly) Pika…

James

You know, now that we have Pikachu…

Meowth

An’ we do!

James

Right, but how is Pikachu supposed to help Team Rocket?

Jessie

I don’t understand.

James

Well, think about it… what’s so special about the twerp’s Pikachu?

Jessie

You know, I don’t remember.

James

Right! And I bet the boss won’t remember either!

Meowth

Well I do! Dat Pikachu is good against Ground-type Pokemon!

James

Oh, right.

Jessie

But so what if it is? James is right. How will a Pikachu good against Ground Pokemon help us?

Meowth

Are you forgettin’ dat da boss is a Ground-type specialist? Dat Pikachu will help him test his Pokemon’s weaknesses!

James

Yeah, for like, five minutes.

Jessie

All of his Pokemon can cause Earthquakes. I doubt little Pikachu can stand up against that.

Meowth

Right, dere’s dat.

(slience)

James

So what now?

Jessie

Maybe… maybe we should just give it back to the twerp.

Pikachu

(happily) Pi pika!

Meowth

We can’t turn our back on da boss!

Pikachu

(sadly) Pika…

James

If the boss is going to destroy this Pikachu just for battle…

Jessie

You’re too soft, James.

James

Well, I’m sorry, but I feel like we’ve gotten to know Pikachu over the years!

Meowth

I don’t feel none too good about it, neither.

Jessie

Oh, Meowth.

Meowth

Look, dere’s a forest down dere dat has loads of Pikachu. Why not just give da boss one of dem?

James

And we return Pikachu to the twerp?

Jessie

And we still get the promotion.

James

Everybody wins!

Meowth

Meowth, that’s right!

Sailor Moon Preview Blurb

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This is a parody of those TV spots where Sailor Moon (and later Mini-Moon) talks about the upcoming episode. You’ve been warned.

Use this as a guideline for what the context is.


 

Serena: “Today, Darien eats some noodles!”

Rini: “Whoa! Is there a monster in the noodles?”

Serena: “No, it’s just noodles!”

Rini: “Is there a waitress at a noodle place he visits under attack?”

Serena: “No, it’s just Darien eating noodles. No scary stuff.”

Rini: “Oh. Well, does he eat a lot–”

Serena: “It’s purely 20 minutes of Darien in his civilian clothing eating a normal bowl of noodles.”

Rini: “Well then, I think I’ll change the channel!”

Serena: “Sure, go ahead! The only other programs on are celebrity golf and Dragon Ball Z!”

Rini: “Dragon Ball Z?!”

Serena: “The episodes without Goku.”

Rini: “Who’s golfing?”

Serena: “Tiger Woods.”

Rini: “But he’s famous for golfing!”

Serena: “I know, right?”

Rini: “Who’s he playing?”

Serena: “Someone else famous for golf.”

Rini: “And this is on every channel?!”

Serena: “That or shows of equivalent boredom!”

Rini: “Gosh, the grown-up world sure is tough.”

Serena: “You bet! In the name of the moon, here’s 20 Darien-eating-noodles minutes!”

(Theme music plays, followed by Darien eating noodles for 20 minutes.)

[scene]